The dark side of the moon

After reading some of your comments on the pictures and emails from my friends I feel that I have to add a few words. These days life in our family is all but smooth and peaceful. On the other hand Coline is, so far. She sounds like a kitten when she wants to feed. But everybody else around is experiencing a little bit of chaos. The pictures on previous posts do reflect a moment of reality though. And I am grateful for these moments where Leila is calm enough to be with us, when she holds her sister with care, when she plays mummy with her dolls, and when she softly dried my tears at the doctor today. But most of the time I am filled with fear and guilt. I fear that I am not going to make it when my mum is gone and I have to take care of both of them. Getting Leila to do anything that does not involve play in the way that she feels like at that particular minute is mission impossible. And I feel guilty because I do not want to be with Leila. I just want to hold Coline, look at her on my breast, and lie down with her in bed for most of the day. And it hurts when Leila comes and wants to touch Coline so much but is so restless that I want to send her off far far away. It hurts because I know I love her but I just do not want to be with her now.